It’s been awhile since we’ve seen a proper British TV character adapted for the big screen. The last real ones were Sacha Baron Cohen’s Ali G and Borat, so there’s a gap in the market to expand comedy characters for the big screen. Sadly, that won’t be filled by the utter garbage brought to us from Leigh Francis’ Keith Lemon character in his big screen debut; Keith Lemon: The Film.
After seeing his home car parking bollard idea fail miserably at an invention show, egotistical, badly fake-tanned, Leeds resident Keith Lemon (Francis, Bo Selecta) picks up a load of badly marketed phones. After meeting “kingmaker” Archimedes (Verne Troyer, Austin Powers) and making a runaway financial success by accidentally creating the ‘Lemonphone’, Lemon indulges himself in a purely hedonistic lifestyle and ends up in a relationship with an obviously gold-digging Kelly Brook (herself, Piranha 3D), but his home life back in Leeds keeps clawing back at him and Lemon must do right there with his silly best friend and pregnant girlfriend before it’s too late for him.
Now Celebrity Juice is fine for Francis’ character of Lemon; as a comedy chat-show presenter with outrageous comments and actions up against celebrities; but in the jump to the big screen there’s no innovation to the character whatsoever and the joke of this outrageous presenter is nullified since he’s totally out of his environment. So we’re left with a thoroughly unlikeable man, going through a simplebwish fulfilment storyline, and we’re meant to feel sorry for him when he has to man up at the end of the film, after abandoning his pregnant girlfriend? Due to the poor work by Francis (in failing to convince me I needed to see this character in his own movie) it’s clear Lemon is better left on TV; it did not work at all.
Since it’s a one character show, there’s not much to do for either Troyer (whose literally relegated to be an oddity for us to see since he’s a small person actor) and Brook; the only other biggish roles in the film. Well, Brook is reasonably likeable but it’s clear she was hired for her ‘assets’. She does play a highly entertaining spoof of herself, and while it’s not going to win her any Oscars she did her comedy reactions quite well.
Everyone else in this film worth noting are, to be fair, quite famous and recognisable celebrities; most of them appear on Juice’s TV channel ITV’s shows already so it’s not too hard to fathom who had a hand in getting them available for this; but they’re not especially funny cameos either; with dull, short, jokes leaving nothing of substance except for the one or two that lead to Francis’ other comedy creations from the ancient Bo Selecta. The script constantly makes references to Sylvester Stallone and Simon Pegg suggested they were going to pull a spectacular cameo ala Ted’s Flash Gordon pay-off, but nothing comes out of the good 10 times they mention Stallone. It’s just there with, infuriatingly, no end product.
Also, half the humour in setting up the story didn’t make sense; the home car parking bollard (so your car can’t be stolen off your drive) was drilled at us constantly at the start of Keith Lemon and yet there’s no joke where they try to make you think there is; sure it’s a bit pathetic to see it in action, but that doesn’t mean it’s laugh out loud hilarious. The bigger maguffin joke is in the ‘Lemonphone’ misfires; how is it funny? Oh, he’s Keith Lemon, and he’s got a phone. With a lemon on it; it’s diabolical trying to get a laugh out of anyone with that set up and I doubt very much Francis and co-writer and director Paul Angunawela are smart enough to realise they’re not doing a clever parody like Baron Cohen’s Borat or Bruno, in terms of the ‘Lemonphone’ being a non-essential fad item.
Other parts of the humour don’t appeal to a wider audience either; Lemon saying “cute” alternatives for swear and sexual words gets irritating after the first half hour (so the less than 90 minute runtime is a godsend), and the selling point of Lemon meeting these celebs comes and goes too quickly with no real substance or last memory. In fact, from the trailer kicking about, you’ve easily seen all the more interesting jokes from the film; there is one fantastic line said to David Hasselhoff by Archimedes which almost, almost, makes this film worth recommending, but for the most part audiences will be laughing out of politeness more than anything else, as there’s no laughter-inducing material here at all.
Worse still, the ending is, quite frankly, shocking; it’s a massive grinding of gears where Lemon realises the error of his hedonistic ways and goes off to save his girlfriend in Leeds, but something happens to all the users of the Lemonphone (leading to some fantastically awful facial expressions with no threat behind it) and… well, I can’t remember it being resolved at all. Archimedes’ subplot comes and goes with a massive bang and whimper (if you didn’t pick up on the massive levels of foreshadowing hitting you like a sledgehammer), and like the film as a whole, things just happen with no real resolution outside of the main plot.
I worry about how international audiences are going to look at this; because if this massive mess is the best of British comedy we’re putting on the big screen, then I don’t want to live on this island anymore; Keith Lemon is a two note comedy TV character that deserves to stay on the small screen, and one or two lines of genius and the likeable Brook aside, there is nothing remotely salvageable about Keith Lemon: The Film, and efforts must be made to avoid this train-wreck of a ‘comedy’ film.
Terry Lewis – @thatterrylewis.
